David has just taken off, and I’m in this serene dopy mood… With a pinch of melancholy, since I’ll be unable to see David next weekend, what with Mother’s Day and its attendant obligations. In case you haven’t noticed through the past entries, I have a relatively functional family relationship, and thus I figure I should be willing to set aside a weekend here and there for the people who put me here…

This weekend, I learned a lot about my new favorite software, and my favorite solitary activity, and now I need to start watching the Simpsons .

“Ooh, Squishy Lady, you’ve had less than eight kids, haven’t you? Ooh, ohh…”

Some people have mistaken me for always being an “angry young man” type. They look at the postings accross my sites, on my blog and essays, and figure I’m just upset and cynical about the world and that I hate everyone. This is an understandable estimate - for those who don’t know me personally.

I admit to a fair degree of sarcasm, irony and mild cynicism, and I do declare that I tend to catch sight of lots of stupidity around me. But I also assert that I, more than most people, hold a “benevolent universe premise” when I look at the world. In other words, I hold that most of the world and the people around me are, by most measures, good. Most people love life and try to live it properly. I’ve rarely seen or found a truly evil person. On the whole, therefore, I feel that the universe is, by my measures, a benevolent place.

My writing is mostly influenced by the fact that, in spite of this benevolent world we live in, there are a lot of evil ideas floating around. The average man isn’t as ready to make a moral judgement of every idea he encounters, and will tend to try anything which sounds like a good idea at the time, or which his neighbor convinces him is good. And this is why we do indeed have much malevolence in the world amidst the majority benevolence.

Rather than insinuating that this minority evil is spoiling my life, my writing about it is a way to 1) get it all out and get over it and 2) state clearly why I consider such things evil and what ideas or actions I offer instead. Just because there’s an asshole talking loudly in the theatre during a good movie doesn’t mean one has to keep to oneself and let the experience be ruined. Nor does telling the loudmouth to “shut the fuck up” insinuate that one is a cynic potty mouth. Rather, by asserting one’s right to that benevolent moviegoing experience, one is asserting one’s belief that that experience should be benevolent.

In other words, what my whining and snivelling signify is my insistence that the world in which I live is great - but would sure be a whole lot greater if a few stupid people and a few stupid things weren’t here, too. And I try to be as logical, systematic and consistent as possible with my arguements, in order to show how those stupid things and stupid people can be eliminated. Now, isn’t that nice?

Whilst I am increadibly amused by the bomber’s confession, the article brings up yet another thing that annoys me about things today: the constant labeling of all behavior as a “mental illness”. Is it just me or is every flaw in a person considered an illness these days?

I’m sorry, but to be able to plan such a cute little terrorist plot, this guy had it together. He had all his logical patterns laid down, he was just an evil fucker. I think the idea that there are no “bad” people, just “misguided” people is what brought on this ubiquitous “mental illness” lobbying about. The fact is, some perfectly together people are just plain evil. Look at Hitler and Stalin and Pinochet and other very smart, very powerful but very wicked individuals in history.

This kid will most likely have diminished charges laid on him on account of his “mental illness” and he’ll end up doing less time than a drug dealer… How I long for some judges that will stop humouring these stupid “mental illness” lobbyists…
Anyway, new m.o.t.m. . Ran a much-delayed after-hours work errand last night, and on the way back I stopped by Rob & Al’s , on one of their off-days… Damn, they’ve been busy. I was a bit skeptical of their little “B&B” scheme until I saw what can actually be done with a double-wide, two single-wides, a lot of deficit spending, and a whole lot of patience… Gawd knows I’d never be able to do something on that kind of scale without going homicidal…

I was contemplating a party tonight, but I’ve decided to stay home instead, in order to get some much-needed housekeeping and papaerwork done. And maybe continue this job hunting. Send all San Francisco employment leads my way! Then it’s off to Cambria for Mother’s Day weekend. Have you hugged your mama today?

So I’m now perusing the Marython from yesterday. Seems I’m not the only one who was as enthused about the event in Minneapolis. Now I want to go there even more. Seems that’s where all the cute boys are these days… Of course, one particularly cute boy is slightly closer than Minneapolis… Unfortunately, I will be missing his presence this weekend…

In the meantime, I spent the evening creating a tour of my home . David’s done some work at his super-duper hobby project site . You simply must visit it. You’ll definitely know more about Fresno now… I leave for Mama’s place in the morning. Miss you, baby.

Back from a weekend with mom . Much fun was had, for sure, but damn do I miss my baby. Just keep thinking, only 5 more days…

So I bite the bullet and spend a couple hours filling more online apps and resume fields, and another dozen resumes are out there. Should I be getting discouraged after 2 weeks and 100 resumes and no replies?

I know what I really need to do: save my dollars, get my ass up to San Francisco and just hit the real streets, instead of the virtual ones. I think having that persistent presence (not to mention a SF address) will help. Unfortunately, I’ve also promised Papa that I wouldn’t quit until after we move to our new building (probably August), unless a job offer comes along which I simply can’t miss. 

And so the scenario I foresee: I end up staying where I am and saving money until late July. I give Papa a nice long 4-weeks notice and I move in early September. I hit the pavement and hopefully have a job before my savings runs out…

My gawd, I wish that job offer would come instead…

Pizza with Lauren tonight. I owe her big-time these days. It’s nice to have friends in high places…

Only 4 more excruciatingly long days…

I wish that little faggot Erwan hadn’t ruined the whole message board idea. Ever since I nixed his little squatter settlement a couple months ago, no one has really been interested in posting. I’m not planning on pulling the board down, but I thought I’d at least encourage people to try to use it again. Just keep in mind that it’s more of a “community forum” for people who visit my sites, and not a place to nag me. I allow dissent, so long as it is well-thought-out and not soiled with emotion. I’ve only removed 2 threads before, and it was because the individuals involved posted remarks which were blatant personal attacks against me, rather than against what I’d written, and the remarks contained nothing approaching critical thinking.

Anyway, there’s my pitch at getting the board going again. Today is not going especially well. I’m having my bi-weekly bout of stomach discomfort, and the chunk I bit out of my lip last weekend is still not healed. In fact, now it’s all swollen. Damn skin…

I think I’d make a good columnist… Anyone have any advice on that number?

Work’s slow today, so I’ve been using the time to do some more tweaking of the navigation. I also refurbished the contact form and reverted to the old hyaena colors. Now I just need to find a new picture.

I will also be starting what will eventually be the dissolution of thehyaena.net and the elimination for the most part of the “hyaena” handle. Also, since the majority of my site tweeking tends to involve reoganization of pages and renaming of documents, I have started to hard-link all hyper refs. I’m sure the former habit pisses my linkers off to no end, but that’s just the way I am.

Speaking of reorganization, I notice that I tend to run this site similar to the way I’ve been running my FileMaker media database. I have probably spent more time on the visual aspect, the navigation and the set-up than on the actual content. Come to think of it, that’s sort of how I run my life as well. I’d be a horrible screenwriter: lots of exposition, very little characterization, no climax, no resolution.

Had my first chat with Andrea last night since I visited her on my Northwest Vacation last month. Then I finally managed to plow through most of the huge pile of papers and other miscellaneous junk on my desk.

Then I went into the doctor this morning for my 18-month physical. Many people think he’s a little excessive with doing such a frequent physical on someone my age. But I like my doctor, and he’s always very aware of cost and applicability of treatment. I trust him more than any medical professional I’ve ever visited.

Unfortunately, that’s why I was somewhat crushed to have been put on Accupril®. I had a blood pressure reading of 140/110 this morning, and he took it twice. I’ve had pretty consistent hypertension for about 5 years now, and only a couple times has it shown normal. Back when I was 20 I was still a vegan and exercising every day, and it was high then even. Now it’s still high, bu I admit I could be exercising more and maybe lose a few pounds. But Doc has said it probably won’t make a significant enough difference to avoid treating the hypertension with meds.

This day is going to last forever. But hopefully in another 12 hours I’ll finally be where I belong . Until then, I’ll sidetrack myself with a rant. You’ve been warned.
So the first weekend in June will be Fresno’s big ol’ Gay Pride parade, accompanied by the ubiquitous declaration of June 1 as “Gay Pride Day” and the weekend as “Gay Pride Weekend” and the week leading up to it as “Gay Pride Week” and the month of June “Gay Pride Month” and the season it’s in as “Gay Pride Summer”. How much fucking pride does one town need? And why , I ask again , does the place of pride have to be my neighborhood? It always seemed more appropriate that it be held at the glossy stucco meccas in North Fresno, where at least the architecture would match the glossy stucco faggot clones.

Alas, it seems one of the things on Fresno’s Gay Agenda is to make the few remaining interesting neighborhoods glossy and plastic as well…

So I promise I will not be in town that weekend. If David won’t have me, I’ll try to find some nice, quiet redneck town on the West Side with zero homosexuals (or at least none with “pride”) and spend the weekend doing something I can feel proud of… Like working on my Filemaker database or taking pictures of neon signs or watching late night network television or driving around aimlessly and looking for diners and drive-ins. I would add “finding the local redneck pub and getting sloshed” to that list, except that I can’t drink for at least a month, and depending upon how my body handles the Accupril® , maybe not even then…

OK. Rant over. Must find way to make day pass by more quickly. Hmmm… coffee might work on that end…

And am I the only one who thought it was a bad idea for Fox to try to win the sweeps by having “last episodes” of all their shows? Great management decision there - let’s cancel everything! People are sure to watch us then!

The mind-numbing hunt for a new job continues. If any of the people reading this blog need a productive, opinionated office worker in the San Francisco Bay Area, I now have my resume posted in HTML… But if I didn’t have such an important motivation to move, I’d have given up already.

There’s a big ole thunderstorm pummelling us right now. We got lightning, M&M-size hail, the whole works. I hope it lasts!

Talk about horrible customer service skills. The latest company on the black list: Hi-Tech Unlimited . I have been perusing ebay for an 8mm VCR, since I wanted to start doing some more tricks with the video I’ve been taking at shows, etc. I was mainly curious as to whether the prices on ebay were fair for used items, since new ones tend to be Hi8 and very hi-end as well. I wanted an inexpensive consumer-grade model.

So I call up Hi-Tech Unlimited, and politely ask if they have 8mm VCRs. Here’s an approximate run-down of the conversation:

• Me: “Hi, I was wondering if you guys have any 8mm VCRs?” 
  Asshole: “Maybe.”
• (long pause)
• Me: “Uhmm… Do I have to come in to see?”
• Asshole: “Well, no. But you need to do the research and tell me an exact model number and brand.”
• Me: “Well, I just kinda needed a regular video8 VCR that I can hook up to a monitor and another VCR. I’m not picky…”
• Asshole (in nagging condescending voice): “Well, you need to find out what model will meet your needs, and then I can check what we can do for you. If you want us to do your research for you, it’s going to be $50.00 per hour.”
• Me: “You don’t just have any around that I could look at?”
• Asshole: [sighs heavily] “You’ll need to call back when you know what you want.” [hangs up]

Not only does it seem like a bad idea to be rude to new customers, it seems like a bad idea to hang up on them as well. No wonder they’re still warehoused in such a dumpy building. Anyone up for a drive-by? If I was being presumptuous thinking they had stuff lying around, he could have just said, “we’re a catalogue company. We need to know the exact product.” I guess I just don’t see why people (in the service sector ) have to be assholes when there really was no provocation…

Not exactly the most eventfuly week so far. Which makes me wish even more that I was spending it elsewhere.

I’m fasting for the long-delayed blood work-ups for last week’s physical. I’m determined to get them over with tomorrow morning, as I’ve been screwing up and either failing to fast or just plain forgetting. But after I get it over with in the morning, I will reward myself with a big ole’ breakfast treat from McDonalds. 
Damn Yahoo! mail…

I’m convinced there’s a bug in OS X which only allows one to use the “Classic” OS 9 environment a certain number of hours or bytes before it fails. First, about 2 months ago, I stopped being able to connect to the internet through any OS 9 application (eg. Dreamweaver) while in Classic mode, which has made my site updates hell without the benefit of an FTP program. Then a few weeks later, I found I was unable to open files in Photoshop . Thus, I’ve had absolutely no luck in my endeavor to re-graphic murderingmouth. Then Monday I found that Canoscan would not work in OS X and I actually had to reboot in OS 9 in order to do some scans for work. Thus, as of today, the only program I’m able to run in Classic mode is Filemaker . Thank god I can still use Filemaker…

I’m not sure if it’s just a cheap ploy to get me to buy the new versions of the software for all programs I’m using, or if my computer just has a nasty bug… Either way, until I stumble onto a bunch of money or a CD with new versions of all my favorite programs magically lands in my lap, there will probably be no more major reworkings to the site… Including the change in the main graphic and navigation which I so much want to do right now…

But like I said, at least I can still use Filemaker. If that goes kaput, I’m taking the thing in to the local Mac doctor for help. Now if only they could help me with the horrible horrible thing which is Yahoo! mail. I thought I was just having a slow week in the email department, but when David informed me that he had sent me 4 emails this week, I got supicious. He tried resending them, but they still never arrived. I can only guess at how much mail I have missed since Monday…

So if you desperately need to get a message to me (or if you thought you sent something and are wondering why I’m ignoring you), you are welcome to use my message board for now, so long as you don’t think the matter is too private (not that Iconsider anything to be all that private on my end). You can continue using the contact form if you have something private to say, but I can’t guarantee it will reach me until I get this email thing straightened out.

Good luck to Amy on her last final of the semester. If I’m not snuggling with my baby on Friday night, I’ll make sure I’m having a wild sober -partying with her.

This is humorous (The attempt by the San Fernando Valley to secede from Los Angeles). Notice that the entire issue of water rights (the reason San Frenando Valley was annexed in the first place) are being ignored? Are the Valley residents aware that LA City, not the state or the county, own the LA Aqueduct and all the respective water sources from which it draws?

Similar to the whole Quebec issue, I think the seceeding parties don’t really realize that the entity from which they are breaking away won’t exactly be tickled pink to help them out with the collective services they previously enjoyed. They should probably take a closer look at their tax-collection v. budget ratios. Every study I’ve seen shows that Quebec is a net recipient of “public” funds (in fact, most of what I’ve read shows that every province except Ontario is actually a net recipient). The rest of Canada should be happy to molt off the fascist French and their language laws. Once Quebec is out, no more need to print everything in English and then again in French. Think of the money saved.

Same story with San Fernando. Just seal off all the water pipes going into the valley, and watch them all turn to dust and blow away… I’m no fan of collectivism (you may have noticed), but I’m also no fan of people who think that they have a right to keep the umbilical cord attached after they’ve decided to leave the womb. Either cut the cord or stay inside.

This has not been the greatest of weeks. My email konks out Monday and I don’t get any messages until yesterday. Severe family drama is ignited Tuesday, exacerbated last night and will most likely continue indefinitely. I’ll spare you the details. My DSL modem commits suicide last night, and the back-up dial-up line SUCKS. I won’t get a new modem until late next week, according to SBC. I kind of wanted to head up to visit David tonight, but even if Amy doesn’t want to celebrate the end of her finals, I should get all the scans and text finished so that we can update our business site next week. And that’s gonna at least take a couple hours. In all likelihood, tonight will consist of scanning and typing and trying not to scream about the horrible internet connection.

But that’s OK, since by noon tomorrow I should be enjoying the weekend with my baby. The only drag will be the fact that Monday will be cut slightly short by my promises to the folks to try to sort out the continuing family drama on Monday evening. We’ll just see how that goes. Sis got food poisoning yesterday. Fresno’s finally decided to let the summer heat begin. The job hunt is sucking just as bad as ever…

The weekend was fun. I spent loads of time with my favorite boy, got some exercise (in more ways than one), and as always, ate well. The family drama has managed to be tamed for the moment, and the replacement DSL modem is still at least two days away from arriving. Until then, I will occupy myself trying to finish up the Music Database. Once everything is finally entered, I’ll post the file for the rest of you FileMaker junkies to peruse.

Finally got my region-free-multi-format DVD player. I can now watch all manner of illicit European and Brazilian DVDs in all their glory. Still in search of a high-quality reasonably-priced 8mm VCR and portable DAT recorder, both of which are disappointing me on Ebay lately. Soon, hopefully… Then there’s the job hunt. Good god, it’s starting to get on my nerves.

Crappy day ends a crappy week. I have an extra-long work day today, followed by an odious family function tomorrow. I don’t get to see my boy this weekend on account of the latter. The crappiness was exacerbated when my Mom goes and pulls some passive-aggressive bullshit on the eve of the family function. Now, some opinions are welcome: would you consider it a bit of a stab in the back if someone gives you back a gift you gave them after they’ve had it for over a month, making it clear that they don’t like the gift, even though it was a rather trivial one and one that you yourself have no use for and can’t return?

Well, that’s what Mom did, and I don’t really know how to react. Both my parents are being increadibly weird right now, on account of their own pushiness and nosiness into my life which caused all the drama last week, but this takes the cake. My sister and I were discussing Monday the fact that our parents used to be very cool and very normal, but as the years have gone by, their own eccentricities have fed off one another and they just keep getting further and further away from being tolerable, by just about everyone who must spend any significant amount of time with them.

I think their behavior is on one hand an attempt restore the sense of control they once felt over their children’s lives, thinking it will in some way improve our relationship or bring us closer. In fact, they just keep making us more and more upset and make us want to get further away from them. As the years have gone by, they have treated us less like adults and more like pets. Sis & I have always wanted to have a healthy relationship with our parents, and we still love them a lot, but as the years wear on, we find ourselves having to watch our words more and more, and we’ve started treating them almost like babies, constantly afraid that the slightest little mishap will set off an hour of screaming and crying. It’s exhausting, and keeping the relationship at all in tact is becoming far less significant a motivator as time goes by.

I think they hope that I’ll get scared that they’re mad at me, and come crawling to them, telling them I’ll be a good son and do whatever they want to make them happy. Instead, I find myself asking “why?” and just not bothering. This frustrates them even more, and their behavior just gets worse. If this keeps up much longer, my distancing will grow irreversable, and I know for a fact that I did not make it this way. I wish I could explain this to them, but I’ve tried. My parents long ago gave up trying to have a rational, respectful relationship with their children. They had it once, and I still think they did a better job than just about any other pair of parents I’ve ever met. But they lost my respect when they started using temper tantrums and passive-aggressiveness as their primary means of communication with me. I don’t see a rosy future for the relationship, and I should probably start thinking about a life without my parents in it.

Just a reminder, peeps: in exactly 30 days, murderingmouth will be exactly one quarter of a century old. You may shop for presents here.