I know, I’ve gone missing for quite a while… To tell the truth, it’s been a combination of apathy for the blog and a hectic personal/professional life. In the news has been my more-serious-than-ever job hunt, which has taken a definite turn for the better. I was interviewed yesterday for a very promising position. I’m really hopeful, but I continue to search.

David is taking the news of my imminent arrival into his home well. I’m glad. I do love my boy.

But life continues to be rather hectic when it’s not just downright unnerving. The departure date from Fresno, employment permitting, will most likely be 8 August. This is tentative, though.

I noticed the other day as I was hanging out with Amy that sometime in June I stopped going out to bars and pubs… This is a real feat, believe it or not, considering it used to be at least a twice- or thrice-weekly activity of mine to go down to Fred’s or the Den or ‘Stone’s or some other friendly local dive all alone just for a brew or two. I have tried to figure out why… I thought it may have been the fact that I was now on Accupril® , which screws with my metabolism and heart function in a way which is strongly exacerbated by alcohol; but then, I still share a beer with Amy almost every week, and often with Sis and even other occasions… I thought it was maybe the schedule I’ve had to manage lately; but I’ve always somehow been able to fit in brew time and social time… I thought maybe it was the funk I’ve been in sporadically since the beginning of the month; but that seems like it would be more likely to induce pub-going than prevent it…

My only conclusion has been that I just don’t exactly care for the old bars anymore. The people in this town that once excited me and with whom I once shared so much in common now bore me. I don’t really care to see the same faces, the same sad situations, the same depressing sameness. Fresno is still, from everything I can tell, the best city for my tastes. But the fact that it is so diseased with a sort of downer sadness is becoming intolerable. The people seem dazed and unhappy and nothing really excites me or intrigues me. Everything about the place that I loved has pretty much been consumed by a blight of disuse and dullness. It was the Fresno of 1998 that I loved. Now that Fresno is gone.

But here’s to finding a new home in the big city. A wonderful boy to share my life with and a city to keep me occupied for at least a short while. I’ll return to Fresno one day… maybe in an urn or a coffin.

No guarantees on a speedy coming update. But I promise I’ll be here in some way. This weekend will be spent with the parents, then next weekend is David’s birthday bash . Follow that up with the big maternal family reunion on the 18th, and August will almost be over. I can feel that move creeping up on me more speedily than ever… I don’t mind, really…

A weekend with the parents in Cambria. It wasn’t entirely unbearable. The three notable facts were that David wasn’t there, the fog was pleasant and plentiful, and I was given a preemptive counter-offer on my employment prospects of late. 
I am, to tell the truth, rather tempted by the counter-offer. Let’s just say that even if I give San Francisco a 10-grand head-start, Dad’s offer would be the better one.

The offer would entail spending a minimum additional six months at my current job. Few other catches abound. My problems are as follows: 1) Dad pulls this every time the possibility of my departure arises, and today 2) it amounts to getting me addicted to an unsustainable level of income. 3) David still wouldn’t be any closer and 4) this is ultimately my Dad’s way of manipulating me. With money.

I have at least a week - maybe more - to figure this all out. My initial inclination is that I just can’t pass it up… But would I be selling out? Letting the rot creep ever further in? Taking part in an endless cycle? Giving in?

Or would I be getting myself that much more financially stable - saving up money - maybe even enough to where, when I actually do move, the employment situation won’t be a determining factor entirely…

I have time. My mind is full right now.

Feeling slightly more centered today. Didn’t sleep much last night. See, I’ve never really had the expectations of so many people hanging on my decision; I’ve never lived away from Fresno fo more than 2 weeks; I’ve never really “set out on my own”… And, well, I’ve never shacked up with anyone…

So a lot of big changes hanging on my choices and decisions alone… I guess the pressure is relatively severe compared with any decisions I’ve had to make in the past about my career, my future, or the impact of those decisions on the lives of others.

But I think I’m getting a clearer picture of what’s right for me right now. My options range from sticking with the move date come what may, to giving Dad a few extra weeks, to just riding with the offer, or even giving a counter-counter-offer…

For now, I’m gonna just keep rolling it all around in my head until I hear back from my interview last week… Ugh. I hate this major-life-decision stuff.

Thanks are due to David, Steve, KC, Andrea, Sister Betty Does, Becky, and the numerous others that have sent in advice and thoughts over the past couple days. I didn’t originally think I’d reach my decision so quickly, but a sincere critical scruitinizing of the whole situation last night gave me my answer. I’m glad David supports my decision, and I think everything will be OK.

Someone reminded me today that I have been quite often subject to manipulation by those who have provided for me over the years… It’s true. From the time I was very very young, I’ve relied upon provision, rather than ambition, to find me my ways and means in life. I realized this even more this evening, as I sat at my desk and spent close to an hour justifying and rationalizing to myself why I should accept my Dad’s offer for a huge raise if I promised to stay with his company for half a year more.

I used all sorts of arguements to support this white elephant: that I would be happier with a better nest egg when I actually did move, that I might strain my relationships if I was poor, that I could enroll in some additional education while I was biding my time and saving my money. All sorts of rationalizations which failed to address the true root of the monetary manipulation to which I’ve been subject for years.

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Not that I’ve done all that much travelling, and my opinions here could change drastically after a prolonged stay in any of them… But I was doodling today and came up with my own cities hit-list…

Cities I could see myself spending a large chunk of my life in:

• Seattle 
• Portland 
• Chicago 
• New Orleans 
• Baltimore 
• Boston 
• Philadelphia 
• Fresno 
• Charlotte
• Atlanta
• San Jose
• Denver
• Sydney
• Auckland
• Vancouver
• Toronto
• London

Cities I could see myself spending a short part of my life in:

• San Francisco 
• Austin 
• Detroit 
• Minneapolis 
• St. Louis 
• New York 
• Mexico City
• Calgary
• Anchorage
• Los Angeles
• Washington DC
• Any major city in Eastern Europe

I joined Lauren for Me-N-Eds this evening. Much pizza was eaten, and I feel fat and happy (as if there’s any other accompanying way to feel when you feel fat :) 
Lauren and I tend to discuss things from very similar perspectives, and I always like that. Lauren knows a lot about adversity, from a psychological standpoint, and so it always helps me when I’m contemplating very important issues to talk things over with her. I hope I provide the same kind of unbeatable counsel she provides me.

Now to bide my time and get to bed early so that I can be well-rested for my baby tomorrow. I love the fact that he’s just as eager and mushy about my imminent arrival as I am about it…

The weekend: happy birthday David. Dinner with the whole gang at Tad’s. Job interview which went very well. Plans for the move pretty much finalized.

Distress at having to return to the grinding heat of Fresno at all…

As much as I still love my family and my history in Fresno, the malevolence of both over the last few months is finally getting to me. It doesn’t seem that any of my family can simply be happy for me… The fact is that I’m moving on to a new and wonderful place in my life, and that I am happy for myself.

My family has known for quite a while what’s been going on. They knew I had a specific betrothed living in the City with whom I’d probably be moving in within a few months… But now everyone is acting like I’m making some sort of horrible mistake and that I’ll never be happy unless I just stay put, etc.

Once again, I guess I have to scream out: what about what I want ? Does the fact that I want to move in with my boy in the City make absolutely no difference here? Why is it that everyone has to repeatedly exclaim what a horrible mistake I’m making? I’m being laiden with guilt and ridicule simply because I want to do what will make me happy, and what I’ve been openly planning and prepared to do for quite some time…

Once again, I ask my family and anyone who still continues to try to convince me that I’m doing something wrong, bad, or harmful to myself: why can’t you just be happy for me? Are you so struck with tunnel-vision that you no longer feel I’m capable of choosing what in this life will fulfil my desires for happiness? Do you really believe that you know more than I what road I should take in order to find personal satisfaction?

The fact is, I have to live this life, and no one else. I’m sure you all mean well by trying to live it for me, but maybe you would be happier yourself if you concentrated on fulfilling your own dreams rather than pushing them on me in order to see them fulfilled by proxy. Only you can decide what’s right for you and what will satisfy your hopes in life. You cannot live my life for me anymore than I can live yours for you.

And so I pose a new question: if I am willing to celebrate your triumphs and new discoveries and new missions and desires, can you share the courtesy of celebrating mine? I am about to embark on something that, while unprecedented and new, is nonetheless exactly what I want to do and what will bring me more happiness than anything else.

Why no, there isn’t all that much going on right now. My last days in Fresno and I’ve hit that wall where going about the everyday stuff just makes me even draggier. I am having that realization that I may be moving without necessarily having a job right away. Luckily, David and I have discussed the prospect, and figured out ways he can recoup the cost of room and board in carnal favors.

My last civic act before I switch legislative districts: throwing my support behind the only appropriate candidate for California’s executive office. Why is it that, similar to the 2000 Presidential elections, I feel no particular motivation to choose between the two main candidates this year? Aside from their both being boring old bowls of porrige…

!

I have an idea for the next series of [anti-smoking] ads. They should buy ad time at the Superbowl.

Black television screen. White lettering. No music, just words. 
“This ad cost {insert millions of dollars figure here} to air” 
“It was paid for with taxes on cigarette sales.” 
“We have 9 billion dollars left over.” 
“When you smoke, you’re sending a dollar a pack to the government.” 
“And we’re just going to waste it.”

That would make me quit. And I’d appreciate the honesty.

Dad’s on a rampage again. I will not miss this crap at all. Two fucking days left. Thank gawd.

A week of lasts, coming up on a week of firsts. It’s odd that, as the day of my move approaches, it totally hasn’t hit me - all these lasts and firsts. I look back on my family, friends, acquaintances, people seen, places been. Everything I’ve experienced for the first quarter-century of my life (with a small few exceptions) has taken place in this town of Fresno.

As I prepare to leave, my emotions are somewhat mixed. I will miss many things about this place: the close proximity of my family, the friends I’ve retained, the handful of places which I truly enjoy. I will miss my sister, who has been my best friend for years. Pretty much ever since I started college, Sis and I have been the most functional part of my entire faminly, including extended - which I admit is at times not saying much. But I appreciate all the things she’s done for me over the years, and the great ear and eye she’s leant. She gave me my first Cure tape when I was still in 4th grade, and gave me my home for the past three years. She has come to me for counsel in her times of need and been a willing counsel in my (somewhat more numerous) times of need as well.

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Finally I find someone who put two and two together on the whole Pledge of Allegiance issue: the problem isn’t the forcing of children to Pledge in public schools, but the public schools themselves…

Tomorrow, MurderingMouth moves to San Francisco. I would like to wish the whole Fresno crew a wonderful life. I’ll be back when the weekend is past with all the trials and tales of the move.