Traveling Partner
Posted in Family on September 14th, 2004 by ДмитрийNearly three years on, I often find it strange how well I get on with my husband. I hear all these voices out there about how marriage is such hard work, how “love hurts”, how much politicking people do in their relationships… And I really just don’t understand. Am I just lucky that I’ve managed to score the best friend and lover in the world (PS. he is the best lover, incidentally…)? Or is there something more intrinsically wrong with the way others manage their relationships?
I’m not saying we’ve never had our tense moments. Being a self-absorbed hermit, I’m bound to be slightly less capable of thorough communication and much slower at being considerate and polite. He’s got his eccentricities, habits and choices which clash with my own, and I’m sure I do things every day which annoy him. But that’s called being individuals. I don’t want to “be” him and he doesn’t want to “be” me - we just love being together. A major functional component of our relationship since the beginning is our lack of desire to “control” one another. This becomes adaptive in a domestic setting - since living together creates a whole new layer of necessary compromises and mutually agreed behavioral modifications. But the adaptations required by the latter are minimal. They are, admittedly, a continual developmental process that cannot be ignored lest they evolve into a larger rift. On the whole, we are each our own person, and our desire to be together and share our lives does not translate to a desire to manipulate the desires or choices of the other.
I’m thoroughly convinced this is the issue which makes relationships work. The most successful relationships I’ve seen among friends and acquaintances and in my own life are those in which the partners are independent entities functioning in tandem. They happen to be on the road to the same place and thus they are sharing the journey. Too many relationships start out without that necessary ingredient: the individuals involved are not going in the same direction, and yet somehow the ralationship becomes an end in itself, bringing little pleasure or reward other than the mere status of its existence. Thus it becomes a futile game of control and sacrifice, and is doomed to frustration. One or both parties are bound to realize one day that their journey got off track, and that they’ve given up too much of themselves. That’s the point where either the relationship ends explosively and ruinously, or the person’s life effectively ends: they give up entirely on the expectation of happiness.
My boy lets me travel in my own direction. He supports and encourages my own independent journey, and he is secure enough in himself and his own journey that he doesn’t feel the urge to leash me with insecurity or fear. His own independent spirit prohibits it, since he wouldn’t want that from me, either. The purpose of our union is the happiness we get from the intricacies of one anothers’ company and the shared joy of our common ground. He’s the best thing in my life, and I love him for being a part of it.